Conflict

Conflict, for most people for the most part, is uncomfortable. More so, for the person at the receiving end of critical feedback, as it can, in the moment, feel like a personal attack.

Conflict, in relationships, can be a result of different individual needs, priorities, perspectives or expectations.

Conflict is a healthy and natural part of evolving relationships. It can either result in relationships becoming stronger or falling apart or perhaps somewhere in between depending on how the conflict is dealt with.

Conflict is a necessary part of growth in relationships. If there is never any conflict in a relationships over time, it likely indicates that two people can probably read each other’s minds (even that is a long shot because we are always evolving and growing as individuals through life), or perhaps it suggests that feelings are not openly being voiced and concerns not addressed. In the latter case, it’s likely that the relationship is in compliance and conflict-avoidance mode and either party isn’t honestly bringing up or addressing their differences.

Conflict is not necessarily a heated discussion or an argument or a fight. Sometimes, it ends up being so because of lack of effective communication between two people. But it doesn’t need to.

Conflict can be a calm and patient communication process working through one or both parties’ concerns in a patient, thoughtful and loving way.

The difference? Whether you come to resolving or addressing the conflict from a place of love and willingness to listen or a place of hurt and wanting to blame. Whether you agree with the other party’s perspective or not, the willingness to listen to, understand and validate each other’s concerns are critical steps towards effective conflict resolution. I often observe people at the receiving end (depending on how the message is being delivered and the individual’s level of emotional control in the moment) jumping into defense mode or justifying themselves, without acknowledging the other persons concerns at all. It can make the other person feel unheard, unappreciated and invalidated while driving the conversation into a rapid defensive escalation.

Likewise, the person delivering the critical feedback can sometimes convey the message in a way that can come across as pointing a finger at the other person (attack or blame game), instead of truly focusing on the situation and articulating how it made the individual feel.

The above can entirely derail the purpose of even trying to resolve the conflict. You even forget what the conflict was about, because you’re now stuck in a back and forth attack and defense instead of focusing on the issue you started out with. The whole situation can quickly escalate and feel like it’s irreparable.

In these situations, taking time away from the conflict, letting emotions settle and dissipate and revisiting it after some time can be helpful.

Some of the “ineffective” responses to responding to critical feedback in a conflict: Absolute views: Your perspective is wrong, mine is right Guilt tripping: How can you even think like this? Entitlement: I did X for you, so you cannot have any conflict with me Personalizing it: You are implying I am a bad person

Some of the “effective” responses to responding to critical feedback in a conflict: Acknowledge: I hear you. I did not understand how you felt. I want to hear your perspective and how you feel. Paraphrase: When X happened, this is how you felt. Validate: I see how you might feel this way. I care deeply about you and would never want you to feel this way. Offer to explain: I had my own reasons to behave the way I did and I can share those with you if you’d like to understand my perspective. Find mutual solutions: What can we do next time to avoid this conflict? I understand what I did made you feel bad. Next time maybe we can... What can I do differently next time to avoid you feeling this way?

Some of the effective responses to providing critical feedback in a conflict: I know you care a lot about me, but when you did X, I felt Y. I care deeply for you, but I don’t feel good when you do Z When this happened, it made me feel like X. I don’t think you meant to have this impact on me. Can we discuss this?

Conflict, if not resolved, builds up over time and it becomes harder and harder to resolve it, which is why it’s important to address things then they arise. Perhaps not necessarily in the moment, but depending on the circumstances and the parties involved, when there is space and time for both parties to listen and respond patiently and thoughtfully.

The only way to resolve conflicts in relationships is to come from a place of love and respect and a willingness to understand the other person.

Healthy relationships allow a safe space for bringing up and addressing conflict. They allow for mutual growth, respect for different perspectives and compromise coming from a mutual place of love, trust, understanding and a commitment to resolve conflicts. Even if the conflict can not be resolved, to not escalate it and to still validate each other’s feelings and wants and expectations is critical to maintaining peaceful relationships.

After all, as Ronald Reagan wisely said: “Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to resolve conflict by peaceful means”