The Fallacy Of Control

We feel out of control when we can’t control things (people, situation, outcomes) around us. We want things to work out in a certain way or people to be a certain way, in order for us to feel more in control.

In reality, when we are trying to control people, situations and outcomes in life, it’s likely because we are feeling out of control within ourselves. The issue is inside us and not outside.

Putting it another way, the world outside of us is always going to be chaotic, unexpected, uncertain. We may be able to control certain aspects of our life and that calls for a realistic assessment of what is actually in our control, and letting the rest go, in order to be at peace with ourselves and our environment.

But the broader reflection here is that, we often seek from others what we are missing inside ourselves. It applies to love, attention, confidence, validation etc. When we want others to love us, we likely don’t love ourselves enough. When we want others to praise us, we are not confident enough in ourselves. When we need others to tell us we look good, we are insecure in ourselves. We seek external validation when what we need is internal validation.

When we don’t get the external validation or things feel out of control, then we start consciously or unconsciously manipulating people and situations to get it. We want our spouses to behave in a certain way. We want our children to do things per our wishes, not necessarily their desires. We want to get promoted at work to feel good about ourselves. We want our life troubles to go away (that’s one I always want especially when I feel out of control dealing with them!!).

At other times, I have observed people, who in one or more parts of their life are dominated and controlled by others or simply succumb to being a victim of their life’s obligations. As a result, their need for independence and having a voice comes out by exerting control in other areas of their life. Next time you come across a “my way or highway” kind of person, pause and think about what the rest of their life is like. Why is that person the way (s)he is?

Next time you observe over-protective parents, pause and wonder what makes them so protective. What are they afraid of? Is it their own insecurities that they are imposing on their kids? Secure people tend to make others around them secure. Falling, failure and getting hurt is a normal part of growing up, at any age. Kids who have been exposed to doing so in early parts of their life arguably make more resilient adults than those seeking protection and security from others all the time, thanks to their over- protective parents.

Control is not just about relationships and people. It’s also about trying to control outcomes. Getting married, having kids, getting that job – or whatever is the next milestone you’re seeking in life. Our sense of peace or control can sometimes be so intensely tied to certain things working out a certain way. If they don’t, we are stressed, anxious, sad and totally out of control!

I’m not trying to imply that working towards any of the above outcomes is unreasonable or inappropriate in any way. All of these can be great aspirations and frankly part of necessary progress and growth through the circle of life. But it’s about bringing awareness to how our expectations of these outcomes can fuel the fire of feeling out of control.

Some of this fire is necessary to motivate action. For instance, it is scientifically proven that some level of stress (feeling out of control is a form of stress) can lead to improved performance. However, continued levels of chronic stress can result in nervous system and other physiological adverse impacts. Even if you ignore the scientific evidence, simply because something or someone is not turning out to be a certain way, how much of your peace and happiness are you willing to sacrifice over it?

So what can you do to start looking inward to feel more in control? Because when we feel more in control within ourselves, or in other words centered, we have more capacity to deal with what’s outside us and it’s easier to let go of the forces that are trying to destroy our peace of mind.

This is why people who resort to meditation and yoga in their lives, swear by it. It helps center the mind so you have more energy to deal with what life throws at you, so you feel more in control.

Other people resort to other kinds of activities that can give the same kind of results, getting lost in hobbies like painting or other forms of art, music, dance, sports. Anything that takes your mind off it’s usual overwhelming chatter and puts you in a flow while doing activities that give your soul joy and fulfillment.

The challenge arises when we stop taking time out for ourselves to do any form of this. When life is all about our duties and responsibilities and everything we are trying to control outside, and never about our soul. We are there for our jobs, our parents, our children, our spouses, our friends, our pets. But sometimes, we are not there for ourselves.

It is so freeing to let go of control — to let go of expectations from people (toughest for me to do, I admit!), timelines and outcomes and worrying about the future and worrying about our kids and families and jobs.

When you stop controlling people or outcomes or life in general, and just focus on what you need to do to help yourself, you’ll find that you’ll feel more in control and that life actually starts helping you. Or maybe a better way to say it is that you start helping yourself.

Things out of your control will always happen, regardless of how much control you exert. So why not let go and enjoy the journey more along the way?