The Words We Choose

The words we choose can make or break someone, including ourselves, particularly if said repeatedly or by someone with influence or a significant relationship with that person.

Do you ever notice or reflect upon your choice of words in your day to day communications, including the words you silently say to yourself? Are you being kind to yourself and giving yourself credit for all you do or constantly beating yourself up for all you don’t? In your interactions with others, are you using words that encourage them, lift them up and make them feel good about themselves or are you using language that brings them down, criticizes them or simply makes fun of them?

If you have kids, think of how you impart messaging to them. Do you tell them how amazing they are or do you tell them how stupid they are? Do you encourage them and reward them for good habits and behavior or do you disparage them for things they aren’t doing well? Do you motivate them by incentivizing good behavior or do you use fear based mechanisms by punishing them for not performing according to some arbitrary standards?

If you are employed, can you think of instances where a job well done resulted in appreciation expressed by your manager, senior leadership or even your peers? How did you feel about it? Proud, grateful, happy, fulfilled, valued? Perhaps that may have even resulted in an elevated level of job satisfaction and an exponential jump in motivation to wake up and go to work the next day? On the other hand, despite all your great work, if your manager responded with criticism about the one thing you didn’t do, or could have done better, or that despite your best efforts you couldn’t deliver due to factors outside your control, would that perhaps drive feelings of inadequacy, of feeing unvalued and unfulfilled?

It’s not uncommon to see broken or toxic communication in relationships — all kinds — friends, spouses, parent-child, siblings etc. When one or both partners (let’s just use that for simplicity) stop responding to, acknowledging or caring about the other person’s need(s), it starts resulting in toxic communication. Ever observed a child throwing tantrums or wailing if (s)he isn’t getting the object (s)he is demanding? Often, the root cause of such behavior can be the child seeking attention on a deep-rooted unmet emotional need.

The same applies to us as adults. Our innate needs are so child-like. If our emotional needs are unmet, we turn to throwing adult tantrums, which is sometimes easiest expressed by criticizing our partner or complaining about things that haven’t been done the way they should be done. The issue may not necessarily be just the task that needs to be done, the issue is likely deeper in an emotional need that is being ignored by either/both parties. But we get stuck so quickly in a pattern of toxic communication and what she said/ he said, that’s its tough to break free from these patterns and try to figure out the root cause. Instead of telling the other person how wrong or bad they are/were or where they are lacking, what would it be like if we start telling them how great they are and all that they are doing right?

Why do we feel more connected to certain people and repelled by others? The people we gravitate to or allow in our lives (at least when we have a choice) are hopefully those who fuel us, lift us up, are empathetic to us and/or those who create a safe space for us to be ourselves. The people we don’t connect with are likely the ones who don’t do any of the above or worse, do the opposite, i.e. ones who judge us, put us down, criticize us or threaten our security by pointing out our weaknesses instead of highlighting our strengths.

There are likely many reasons beyond my awareness for why someone might resort to negative messaging, but often, I find that people don’t give much thought to their choice of words. They have just gotten programmed that way — through life’s experiences, through what they have seen and lived through. Many times, we are not thinking before speaking. Our sub-conscience and our biases inherent in it, are often dictating how we treat people, but of course, many times it’s a very conscious act as well.

“Come on, develop a thick skin” you’ll hear sometimes. “Why don’t you stop taking any negative comments to heart?” Or, “I’m saying it for your benefit! If you’ll feel bad, you might actually do something about the issue.” Sure! I’ll feel bad and develop a cold heart like yours so it doesn’t bother me anymore and guess what, I’ll start doing the same to others!

And the pattern goes on... and there is no end to this viscous cycle... why not break this vicious cycle with love and compassion for everyone? Why not start treating everyone with kindness, including the kind of humor that uplifts people instead of vindictive humor that puts a person down?

Let’s be real, nobody is perfect. We all could be better at something — at many things. We could all perform better at work, at home, be better parents, children, employees, do more of something or do less of something else. But at the end of the day, we are all unique individuals. Do we want to be identified or called out for our weaknesses all the time or do we want to be recognized for our strengths? What would make us happier individuals and what would make our relationships more fulfilling?

I’ve read somewhere that we are practically a sum total of the five closest people in our lives. Are you positively influencing people in your life and promoting feelings of self worth, confidence and wellbeing or are you intentionally or unintentionally creating negative communication and cognitive patterns that could not only (in)directly impact your relationships but also potentially impair people’s mental health over time?