The Risk of Vulnerability

Vulnerability i.e. the freedom to feel and be your authentic self, requires a lot of courage.

In my view, the most meaningful relationships are those in which people show up authentically and have the courage to open up to each other; when they allow themselves to be vulnerable, with the trust and belief that the other will protect and honor their vulnerability; that the other will not judge, chide or abuse it.

The problem arises, when people end up – whether intentionally or unintentionally – disrespecting that vulnerability. That can end up in all sorts of emotional reactions including anger, hurt, disappointment, pain, guilt, shame or remorse. It can lead to bitterness and coldness and a tendency to “put our guards” up all the time in relationships, because we are too scared to be hurt. We are too scared to be open about our feelings, to be vulnerable.

I often hear people say that’s its really hard to make friends after a certain age. Why was it easier to make friends when we were younger? Perhaps we had less life experiences, no self-guards, less filters to evaluate people? Perhaps we were less broken then to actually be willing to be ourselves (and vulnerable) in our friendships, and that is what gave those friendships the solid foundation to turn into life-long meaningful relationships.

As we meet people in our day-to-day lives, our brains are instantly filtering people into categories, into our framework of accumulated past experiences. Much of this happens subconsciously and we may not even be aware of our biases. How is this person similar to me? How is this person different from me? Can I relate to this person? Can I understand how this person will behave? How does this person respond to me? Can I trust this person? And within seconds, whether or not we are aware, our brains have already made the decision, which often results in how we “feel” about the person. The actions lead to instant judgement which leads to how comfortable we feel interacting with that person.

Once we start to open up with someone, and suddenly the person acts outside of our expected framework and disrespects our vulnerability, our brains instantly go into defense mode. We start looking for new categories to put them into, to somehow rationalize their behavior. Doing so puts us in more control, to be able to explain to ourselves how to react to the situation and how to feel about it.

More often than not, we blame the person for their actions, and we blame ourselves for opening up and being vulnerable in the first place. In worst cases, we could even end up hating that person, depending on the severity of the action. And we carry that hatred or disappointment or whatever emotions were evoked, in our sub-conscious, through our life. Next time, we meet someone similar, we are instantly cautious. Once burnt, twice shy after all. And hence the cycle perpetuates. Worst case, we start closing ourselves to new relationships, scared of being hurt again.

Perhaps that’s why it’s so important to not let other people’s actions leave us being broken, hurt or impaired in our ability to have healthy relationships. Despite the disappointments, and those are bound to happen, it’s important to continue to be authentic and most of all be at peace with ourselves.

Perhaps that’s why it’s so important to own our own insecurities and mistakes and bring awareness to our own actions so we can avoid hurting others and causing them pain when they are being courageous to be vulnerable to us.

Perhaps that’s why it’s so important to heal ourselves from all the hurt we carry, big or small. because we project onto others what we carry within us, one way or another. If we can be healthy and whole, perhaps we have more love to give to the world than cause hurt.

Perhaps trusting someone with our authentic selves and being vulnerable is what leads to true love and acceptance of another being — and that’s not limited to our partner, but also to pretty much any relationship in our life.

So be vulnerable. Keep loving: yourself and others.

Because: “We teach what we learn, and the cycle goes on.” – Joan L Curcio